Same Thing, Different Results?

All in all, yesterday was a good day. Work was a bit of a pain, in the “Oh my God! What am I going to find for these guys to do?” sort of sense. (But, then that’s what I do, we are either scrambling to find work for the guys or we’ve got more work than we can handle.) There was a flurry of activity right at the end, but I managed to get out in time to pick up the boys from school.

We’re starting to get into a routine, the boys were more willing to talk about what had happened during the day, and the sibling warfare was much less intense. They saved that for after I got them home. I’ve been coming in to chat for a couple of minutes after I drop them off, but I think I may need to stop that. I’m starting to get the sense that the boys are competing for my attention. I know they’re competing for their mother’s, and I really don’t need to be intruding on that. I’m going to miss it, the domestic bliss of seeing children getting home from school is touching my heart, but I have to remember, this is not my family.

When I got home, Mags had dinner waiting. She actually started to flirt with me, one thing lead to another, and we ended up going to bed early. She called it quits after two go-arounds, although I was raring to go again. She rightly pointed out that we had been at it for two and a half hours, and I needed to get up for work this morning. I got what I said I wanted; yet I still ended up staring at the ceiling after she fell asleep.

I guess I’m worried that we’re right back into the same old pattern. I make a big stink, there’s a huge fight, I get a tearful pledge that things are going to be different, and they do change. For about two weeks. I’m willing to accept what is happening on face value, and believe that things are truly different this time. Still the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. I want to believe that this time things are different, but I’m afraid they aren’t.

Despite the pain I’ve been through, I still love Mags. I don’t know what life would be like without her, and I’m afraid to try. Still, the Mags I miss really hasn’t been there for a while. Am I just holding on to a memory, hoping that things will go back to the way they were despite evidence to the contrary? I’m willing to give it a shot.