Non torno vivo alcun, s'i'odo il vero, Senza tema d'infamia ti rispondo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair--
[They will say: "How his hair is growing thin!"]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin--
[They will say: "But how his arms and legs are thin!"]...

Two years. That's how long it lasted.

For two years I was able to beat back the throws of depression and behave in a semi normal manner. For two years my daily little white pill helped me see through the fog that had clouded my brain. For two years I was able to live something of a normal life.

Now it no longer works.

I got the first inklings that something was wrong last spring. Nothing overt, nothing that caused alarm bells to go off. It just became harder and harder to get moving.

Then Mom's cancer came back.

Then she died.

The grief overwhelmed me, washing over my body like a tidal wave. For weeks I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function. I waited for the storm to pass, confident that although the emotional pain was intense, it would fade and I could pick up with life again.

After four months, I came to the realization the the grief was not fading. The world had narrowed to the width of my shoulders and life had lost its savor. A gray haze hid the world from me, hiding beauty and showing only ugliness.

Monday I go to see a shrink to try to start leaving this dark and scary place I find myself in, but the fear is intensifying. What if I can't be helped? What if the best I can hope for is to spend the rest of my days in a nice safe padded room where I can't hurt myself? And the worst, what if something starts to work again and then stops?

The most terrifying part of this entire experience is that I have fresh memories in my head of a time when life was worth living. The first real depression I fell into was so gradual that I didn't notice anything happening. Life became a trudge, just putting one foot in front of the other, but the change had been so subtle that I couldn't see what was wrong. Now I know better and the pain is all the more intense for having a recent time of happiness to compare it to.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

Pray for me, I'm terrified.