Peace through surrender

There is a certain freedom in a decision to stop fighting against the inevitable and surrendering to reality. Struggling leads to pain, and although surrender does as well, at least surrender offers the possibility that the pain will start to fade. Such is my head-space at the moment. Why fight? Things aren’t going to change, so why not just accept the inevitable and learn to live with it?

To explain this, I need to back up in time. The path that lead me to rediscover this revelation kicked into overdrive about a week ago. I was reading a cliché-filled checklist on a website on Sunday all about the battle between the sexes. As I was laughing at such inanities as men’s advice to women. “We like your hair the way it is, don’t cut it. Ever.” (B.T.W. If Mags just had most of her hair lopped off to deal with out-of control split ends, why did she end up coming home with the exact haircut that Rene Russo had in “The Thomas Crown Affair?”) I was struck with an uncomfortable insight. Cliches become cliches because they address an uncomfortable truth. They are sort of a hyper-truth, so true that to point them out becomes passe.

It was while I was reading the section on men and women’s take on sex that it hit me, this is what we’ve been going through. Three years ago I had to come to terms with the idea that Mag’s idea of kinky sex was doing it in the living room. She was not, and will never be, interested in anything exotic. I came to the realization that all those sordid little fantasies of mine would never actually happen. Considering that my options were to leave Mags (which I didn’t want to do) and find someone who did find them attractive, or to learn to live without what was really little more than a pleasant diversion, I chose to stay with the woman I love and become a little more normal.

Not to put too fine a point on things, our sex life sucks. When we first started our relationship, sex was something that happened daily, usually several times a day. As time progressed, the multiple go-arounds on a single day disappeared first. Soon the daily sex became weekly sex. Then biweekly. We’re now down to it being something that happens maybe once every three to four weeks, if that. Of course, the next step is already starting, as we’ve started to miss months. I see it becoming an annual occurrence before too much longer.

My revelation was that this is never going to get any better. Ever. It doesn’t matter that my libido continues on as strong as ever, hers has diminished. Again I am faced with the prospect of leaving the woman I love and looking for someone new or learning to accept the inevitable and accepting the pain that that surrender entails. Here’s the problem, even if I choose to leave Mags and find someone new, all I’ll be doing is re-starting the cycle. Also, I’ll have to deal with a completely new set of weirdness other than the ones I’ve learned to handle. In short, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

So, the choice is clear. It’s time to lower my standards. Any attempt to discuss my dissatisfaction with our sex life is a sure-fire ticket to a knock-down, drag-out, and above all painful, fight with Mags. I can be guaranteed to be accused of treating her like a blow-up doll, no matter how much effort I have put into setting the romantic mood before hand. Hell, attempts to set a romantic mood often lead to a similar accusation. Sometimes I offer to rub her feet because she looks tired. Ever attempt to kiss her is not an attempt to start having sex, you get the idea.

One of my occasional commenters, Atom, says in her blog, Fairytale No More

“I used to believe in fairytales. Now I don't. Reality hurts!!”

I say, good on her. Given what she’s writing about, I have her pegged in her early twenties. It’s better that she discovers and comes to terms with this painful little truth now, while she’s still young. The longer dreams are allowed to live, the more it hurts when they die.

Give up! Optimism hurts! So much better to be a pessimist and be surprised by the occasional pleasures in life. Love grows stale, friends leave, and dreams die. Learn to accept it. Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is selling something.