And so it begins...

"Should I, after tea and cakes and ices, Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis?" -T.S. Elliott, The Love Song of J. Alfred Proofrock

Well, Mags and I had the first of what will (hopefully) be a long series of discussions. While it didn't go as badly as I feared, (neither of us moved out) it really didn't go as well as I hoped either.

This concept that you can love someone without giving in to all of their demands is a new one for me, and one that I'm not really comfortable with. I tried to state my case calmly and rationally, laying out what I wanted; what I felt I needed to maintain my dignity. All the time there was a little voice in the back of my head screaming, "No! No! Just give in to her! If you stand up for yourself you'll only loose her!"

We actually did both state our positions, and there was effort on both sides to see the other's point of view. Then, I must have said something that hit a little too close to home, because she brought recovery into the discussion. Everything went downhill from there.

Like good old J. Alfred, my self-doubter has kicked into high gear. I know that what I'm doing is standing up for my boundaries and insisting that I be treated as an equal in this relationship. There is a part of me that is saying I should just give into everything she is demanding for the sake of my marriage and be happy with it.

I still love Mags with all of my heart, and the thought of life without her makes my breath come up short, but I am no longer willing to ignore myself to keep her. I'm really hoping that she can come to accept that, to accept me as a partner rather than a subordinate.

Time will tell.

For today, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it.